I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
