Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
