The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
