Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
