Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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