everyone is single if you try hard enough
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
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