look no pants
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
