If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
