I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
