everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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