I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
