Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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