I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
