but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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