I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
