good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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