and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
