I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
