i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
