that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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