Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
