I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
