Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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