I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
