i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My liver just broke up with me...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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