I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
