i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Boobs are out for the taking
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
