The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
