1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
