bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
