I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
