I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
