dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
People in love make me want to vomit
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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