you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
