I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize