Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
