When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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