Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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