I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
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