Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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