I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
