He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
