You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
