I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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