I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
