no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
