oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
