Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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