so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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