I think I died a long time ago.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
