Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
