Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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