I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
