I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
